i'm having another bad day. this is the fourth or fifth bad day in a long line of bad days. and i'm so over it. i'm angry. and sad. and upset. and hurt. all the time lately. i get spurts of happiness/giddiness/i-effing-love-life-right-now-ness, but they are short-lived, and don't come as often as i'd like. and i'm not really okay with it.
it used to be impressive how good i was at masking my emotions. i could fool absolutely everybody into thinking i was the happiest cat when really i was miserable. i'm not so good at that anymore. nobody ever used to ask me what was wrong. now it's pretty much a daily question. i hate when people tell me to "just be happy" ...it doesn't work that way. i can't just flip a switch and make all my negative feelings go away.
sometimes i feel like i have a right to be sad. a right to cry, and hurt, and just... be sad, if that's what i really want to do. but most of the time i wish my happiness wasn't so fleeting, and that it was more permanent. i just want to be back in ecuador. i want that feeling again. i want to recognize every single day how blessed i am. i want to feel that Heavenly Father loves me every day. i want to do nothing but good every day. i want to be obsessed with service again. i want to know that i am appreciated, and talented, and beautiful, and worth something. because i have a hard time remembering.
i don't know what's wrong with me.
all i know, is that i want to feeeel better.
paige, i like you. and i'm sorry you're sad. and i hope that sometime in the very near future, you won't have to "just be happy" because you just WILL be happy, just because your life will kick ass. that is my hope for you.
ReplyDeleteYou do have a right to be sad at times. If you don't experience those emotions, they get all bottled up and do a lot more damage in the long run. Never forget that you are human and you have all kinds of emotions and it's okay to experience them.
ReplyDeletewe may not know each other very well, but you are very inspiring, Ms. Paige. I hope things get better for you, because you deserve to be happy. =]