speaking of heat

i hate being hot. i hate it so much and cannot wait til summer is over. on wednesday i went to king's island (a theme park in cincinnati) with some friends. of course we chose the hottest day of the week to go and tried to pretend we weren't miserable in the 100+ degree weather. on the flip side, the last two days have been utterly beautiful outside. by utterly beautiful, i obviously mean 75 and breezy. it feels like love and it's making me super excited about fall.

speaking of fall, this will be the first fall that i haven't been in rexburg since i graduated high school. in case you can't count, that's three years. it's going to be really strange not going school supply shopping, carving pumpkins, kicking leaves on the way to class, and wearing hoodies and jeans everyday. but i'm thinking fall in spain could be pretty nice too, ya know?

speaking of spain, i'm finally prepared. in terms of readiness. i have everything i need in order to head off to the mtc. and that freaks me out. i still haven't been able to shake the feeling of nervousness that i've had for the last couple weeks. i wish it would go away. but i feel like nerves come with every big change in life. i feel like it's okay to feel this way. i would just like some reassurance that it is.

speaking of changes, i'm going to miss so much while i'm gone. i'm going to miss my brother and sister's senior year of high school, their senior prom, their graduation, and their first year of college. as a big sister, that makes me so sad. a year and a half is a long time to be gone. i don't wanna miss all the good stuff! but it'll be so fantastic living with my baby sister in provo when i get home.

speaking of home, i like being here. i was really skeptical of living in louisville. moving in, i didn't know anybody here besides my family. i was bummed about living somewhere for 6 months without a single friend and nothing to do. but i've really liked being here, a lot. i've enjoyed the extra time i've had with my family. i've enjoyed working at texas roadhouse where it all started (even though i miss my idaho falls roadies) and i've enjoyed meeting new people and having friends to hang out with to pass the free time i have. i don't think kentucky will ever really be home to me, but if home is where the heart is, home is here for now.

leap year

so i've been thinking a lot about the mind blowing concept that is the reality of february 29th every four years. it's literally an extra day that we get, that we normally don't. what are we supposed to do with that extra time? it feels so special for some reason. maybe because it doesn't happen very often. and i feel like we should do our best to make it count! i'll most likely be watching the movie "leap year" because... that's what you do. on groundhog day you watch "groundhog day," on  valentine's day you watch "valentine's day," and on february 29th, i guess you watch "leap year." my new favorite blogging homegirl is called fat mum slim and she has some brilliant ideas of how to cherish that extra time.

what are you going to do with one more day?

i was here

give it up for my girl beyonce

was i the only one who got goosebumps and teary-eyed watching that? i'd like to think i've done something to make my mark on this world. i want to know that i changed somebody's life for the better. that all this time i've spent here being me hasn't been a waste. i'd like to think i've been good for something more. i want to leave this world a better place. i want to leave knowing i've done my best, and hopefully made somebody else's day a little brighter along the way.

mraz in the morning

Running to catch up again, jumping higher and flying more often than not

Your trampoline has got holes in it but I can still see the top

Let me climb aboard and sample some of next years fashion

I'll wear the coat if you can put the hat on, I will wear the coat,

Just let me clear my throat so I can say what's been delayed away

Let me crawl into your lap and just lay here for awhile

Satisfied by your seduction like a handshake would do the job

Never know how long I have waited, anticipated your smile to be pressed against mine

I don't believe it that things could get any worse than they did that time

You must have seen it I mean how could we get lost running in a straight line

Your cries of why's and why not's, may it all get back to you

And trickle and dance upon your headaches, years of biting cheeks are through

So I don't believe in it.

But I feel it.

the thing about music

once i met a boy late at night in a restaurant. after casual introductions and a little witty banter, we landed on the subject favorite bands. we agreed to disagree on the definition of "good music" after he told me, get this, lyrics don't matter. i beg to differ. the music behind the song is important. the way the melodies, harmonies, the voices and the instruments blend together to form a symphony of sound that resonates within you, that makes you feel so alive -- that all matters. but the lyrics do too.

the lyrics to my favorite songs are the words i'm afraid to say. that's why music is so relatable. lyricists find the words when we can't. feelings of sadness, anger, heartbreak, bitterness, hurt, loneliness, but also love, determination, empowerment, giddiness, strength, and youthfulness can all be captured in one line, verse, or chorus of a song. lyrics are for everybody. they don't always mean what the artist intended when they were written. there's always room for interpretation. words have rhythm and words have melody. they're raw, naked, soulful, they're everything.

"satisfied by your seduction like a handshake would do the job. never no how long i have waited, anticipated your smile to be pressed against mine."

whoever said lyrics don't matter is a fool. the lyrics are everything. thank you and goodnight.

life lesson #62

life is too short to be anything but happy. the hard part is figuring out what happiness is. i would venture to say that happiness comes in many forms. in the company of good family and friends, in the feeling you get when you make someone else's burden lighter, or in a promise of hope renewed. i think it's okay to let yourself be happy, because you never know how great that happiness might be. sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of our lives, that we expect it to always be there. sometimes it's hard to remember a time that it wasn't there. but then one day you feel something else. something that feels wrong only because it's so unfamiliar. and in that moment you realize you're happy.

life lesson #41

people can change. but they don't. because... it's easier not to. it's easier to slip into old ways, to fade away into the life you've always lived. it's easier to hold grudges, to accept pattern, and to remain static. it's easy to form goals, to tell yourself, "tomorrow i'll do this" or "tomorrow i'll be that." the hard part is following through. the hard part is making the change you hope for. the change people (even yourself) know you can make.

they say it takes 21 days to form a habit. 21 days to start something new. it takes a great amount of strength and determination to leave who you were, and become better. nobody said it'd be easy. but they did say it'd be worth it. the difference between you and me is this: i believe them. if you always do what you always did, you'll have what you always had. and you'll always be what you always were. you can't expect different results from the same actions. but all it takes is one.

reach out.

do something every day that you're afraid of.

smile at a stranger.

pray to your father.

ask for help.

take your own advice.

and one day you won't be hoping for something unattainable. you'll have it. and you'll love it. don't be afraid to live. after all, life is about taking risks.

a little letter

i did this for chelsie last summer,

but decided i wanted it on my blog too

To my 16-year-old me,

I believe that if I had known four years ago what I know now, I’d probably be in a better place. I’d probably be more successful, and definitely a little happier. So to you, naïve, young, cautious me of the past, I impart upon you my thoughts, advice, and wisdom of what is to come.

Be good to Mom. She’s put a lot of time, prayer, love, and worry into raising you. Don’t let it go to waste. She doesn’t deserve all the times you’re disobedient or disrespectful. Say something sweet to her everyday and go out of your way to be helpful, loving, and kind. Be honest with her. Respect her rules, though you may think they are unnecessary, foolish, or begging to be broken. Make an effort to improve your relationship with her. Because one day, you’ll realize she’s the only person in the world who has been there for you always. And you won’t want to have jeopardized the bond you’ve built with her. Remember that she is on your side, and wants nothing but your happiness and well being.

Work hard, really hard. In Algebra 2 when Ms. Smith has gotten on your very last nerve and you’re sick of being a sophomore and want nothing but for the year to be over, don’t stop doing your homework. Because if you do, you’ll end up with a pathetic little D on your report card that will upset Mom, ruin your GPA, and get you grounded for most of the summer, leaving you without a car and without a phone. And junior year, make sure you kick butt in your AP classes. Because I’m almost certain that if you do, you’ll get into your dream school. Trust Mr. Sickel and try out for Select Choir when he tells you to, not a year later. It turns out you’re good (who knew?).

You know that boy in your Spanish class, the one who eats lunch with your group of friends? Well, you guys are going to become best friends. And then you’re going to fall in love. And when you get into a really big fight, don’t be too upset with him. If you do, your friendship and relationship will end. And you’ll both be hurt. Let yourself love him. He’s the real thing.

Call Grandpa as often as you can, just to tell him you love him. Because senior year he’ll be gone, and you won’t be able to tell him anymore. And when you have to go live with Grandma for the summer after your first year of college, be excited about it. Because you’re going to find out how great she is, and how much she loves you.

Don’t be afraid; of making new friends, of trying new things, of being yourself. Be nice to absolutely everybody. Even the ones who are mean to you. Because the best advice you’ll probably ever get is to “kill them with kindness.” And it works so much better than being mean right back. Keep that in mind especially junior year.

When you’re 19 years old, you’re going to go to Ecuador for three months to volunteer in the orphanages. So make sure you pay attention in Spanish class! I mean it; learn as much as you can. This experience is going to completely change your life. You’re going to serve with girls who end up becoming life-long friends. You’re going to fall completely in love with some of the cutest, most perfect children on the planet.  Enjoy every single day, because when you come home you’re going to want to go right back and you won’t be able to. And while you think you’re so wonderful for changing their lives, they’re going to end up saving yours.

Don’t worry too much, and don’t sweat the small stuff. But the most important thing to know is that life goes on. High school ends, memories fade, people you thought were your friends turn out not to be, and things get tricky sometimes. But life goes on. There is something bigger and better than right now. Live in the moment, but don’t forget to dream. Make goals, make plans, and think of the bigger picture too. These are nowhere near the best years of your life. So just hold on. You can do it. You were born for this.

Love,

Paige

just... happy

the last couple days have been such a manifestation to me that God lives, that He is aware of me, and that He loves me so, so much. i feel incredibly undeserving of all the blessings that ive been given and for all the love that ive felt recently. im working on being deserving and worthy of those blessings and that love. im getting my priorities straight and figuring out what matters most. im making changes that have been a long time coming. and im feeling more motivated and determined than ever. i can do this.

a last day

so i'm sitting here, all cuddled up in blankets on brent's bed, realizing that this summer (and my life in kansas) is finally coming to an end. today is my last day of work, for the next month at least, and i'm kind of sad about it. i've really gotten into a routine and enjoyed the way things have been going for the last few weeks. as excited as i am about finally getting a break after a long 5 months of nothing but work, seeing my best friends and my grandma, and heading back to school, part of me isn't ready to leave.

i've always been one to welcome change and a new adventure, but sometimes the unfamiliarity of new experiences frightens me. and with this change is coming goodbyes. this week i have to (and have already had to) say goodbye to the people i've gone to church with for the last 5 years, the precious 7 yearolds i've taught this summer, the three great families i've babysat for and come to know and love, all of my kansas friends, and brent and his family. i hate goodbyes. hate hate hate hate them. 

however, i'm going to try to remember what i'm excited about. today is my last day with kate and sam. these two are not justin bieber fans. quite the opposite, actually. a couple times i've tried to sneak in a "that should be me" or "one less lonely girl" while we're driving in the car, and they proceed to cover their ears and yell at me to turn it off. so when i suggested we watch "never say never" together, they turned their noses up at that idea. but, it being my last day and all, they promised me we could watch it today! kate, out of the kindness of her heart. sam, with my promise to bring him cider doughnuts from the louisburg cider mill. but hooray! i have finally won. paige - 1. kate and sam - 0. hallelujah.

i'm also getting my car back today, thanks to steve at olathe toyota. i have antibiotics for my eye infection, so that's making me feel better. last night i did the paperwork to get my passport renewed. tomorrow, brent and i are meeting maggie (my pilates trainer) for lunch, going to pick chris up at the airport, and then spending the afternoon on the plaza with our friend sophie from high school. friday night is the royal's game and saturday morning at 6am we're heading west with jessie. this has been the most ridiculous week.

yes i'm sad about leaving. yes i'm nervous about what's going to happen to my relationships with some people. yes i feel like there might be one or two tears. but yes i can't wait for this next month. yes i'm thrilled to be reunited with my best friend after eight long months. yes i'm excited to stick my toes in the pacific ocean. and yes i'm eager to get back to school after taking a semester off. here's to change. and here's to summer 2011.

exboyfriends

i have four. one i still talk to (and i'm moving in with his parents in two weeks), one i haven't seen/heard from/thought about in a good two or three years, one is married with a baby, and one... i'm still working on getting over. 

e: im strugglin, i know you probably dont care, but i miss you. and i hope youre doing well.

me: tell me whats up

e: i tried to start talking to a girl. well, actually we were together technically. but i just got dumped over facebook. and to be honest… im not over you in the least bit

me: i’ve tried to move on too. but i can’t, because he’s no you

e: screw distance

me: i miss you. you were my best friend. and still sometimes i’ll get excited about something or have big news to share and you’re the first person i want to tell, but i feel like i can’t and i hate that.

e: there’s something that i’ve needed to tell you for awhile now, but i’m not telling you like this. and you already know what it is

me: i’ve wanted to tell you a hundred times

e: i know it’ll make things harder, but it needs to be said regardless.

i hate the thought of moving away and more than likely never seeing him again. but if there's one thing that i've learned, it's that life goes on. and sometimes that means moving on. i'm gonna work on that. but maybe it can wait...

i want to do things

every once in awhile i get in this really... productive, mood. i want to make things happen, i want to take on new things, get new hobbies, meet new people, and just, be better at living i guess. and right now, i'm in one of those moods. 

i want to do things

i want to paint. i want to volunteer again. i want to write in my journal every single day. i want to get better at the piano. i want to go to more concerts. i want to learn to sew. i want to cook. i want to run a half marathon. i want to get back into photography. i want to be in charge of something. i want to make plans, big plans. i want to decorate my new apartment. i want to play a game of assassin. i want to be good.

i'm perfectly capable of making all of these things happen. i'm also perfectly capable of making excuses so they don't. i choose the former. one at a time. here i goooooooo. wish me luck.

dandelions

our brain's ability to remember things is impressive. we all have songs, movies, words, pictures, smells, things, that take us back to a particular person, day, time, or memory. whatever it may be, that link we have, it's what helps keep that memory alive.

when i smell old spice cologne, i think of my grandpa

when i wear my tie-dye shirt, i get nostalgic for last summer with my best friend

when i eat gardetto's, i remember the time i got sick after my 4th grade christmas party

when i hear mae, i think of david

well, when i see dandelions, i start missing ecuador...

i don't even know what it is about dandelions that i've attached ecuador to, but it won't go away. maybe it's because the park we took the kids to play in was riddled with dandelions from rarely being mowed. or maybe it's because rosa used to bring them to me in bunches. or maybe it's because belen and i used to put them behind our ears to match. i don't know what it is. but i see dandelions everywhere lately. and i can't stop missing my babies.

the best worst day of my life

this 24 hours is the hardest, i think. it started last night at our banquet. hearing all of my newest best friends speak about their experiences, growth, and feelings for the children we work with really melted my heart. i may or may not have been weeping like a child throughout most of it. i've learned so much from the girls i'm serving with. each of them has something incredible to offer and is unique and beautiful in their own right. they are my family.

i'm not good with goodbyes. i never really have been. and i know that. but i didn't think that saying goodbye to my babies and the workers at the orphanage would be this hard. i don't want to leave ecuador. i feel like i could do this for another 6 months and be completely content. this is my home now. these are my people. this is where i belong. i feel like everything i've done in my life up to this point has been insignificant and selfish. i like the way i feel when i'm with them. i like the way they love me. and the way they accept me. 

i'm trying to be happy. i'm trying to take with me everything i've learned, experienced, and felt. but it's really hard. my heart has never felt so broken. tonight we're going out to eat and then i'll say goodbye to everybody. ariel and i leave the house at 4:30 tomorrow morning. at least i'll have her. she knows how i feel and won't think i'm a freak if i break down in the miami airport.

here's to the best three months of my life. here's to my babies, my sisters, my ecuadorian friends. here's to changes. here's to the new me. let's go.

want the rundown?

our banquet is tomorrow night

i can't believe it

where did this three months go?

since you don't get to be there,

i'll share with you what i'm going to say

and the song we're going to sing

enjoy 

i lied, the videos not working

i'll try again later

Thinking about what to say tonight was surprisingly hard for me. I feel like times are rare that I don’t have the words to express what I’m thinking or feeling. But this is definitely one of those times. My heart is full, my emotions are mixed, and my mind is crowded with my jumbled thoughts. So what comes out will probably be a combination of raw feeling and an attempt at everything trapped inside my head.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the situations of the kids we work with every day. And what I’ve struggled with the most I think is why. Why them? Why do they get abandoned, and left without parents? How come I have an earthly family who loves and wants me, and they don’t? But then I was talking to Angela a few weeks ago, about when she bore her testimony in Sacrament meeting. And she said that though our babies don’t have earthly parents who are in their lives, they do have Heavenly parents who love them tremendously. And I’m grateful that I’ve been able to assist in showing them that they are truly loved. When I’m with them I can feel the love their Heavenly Father has for them. I can feel their innocence and their potential. They are precious spirits. And I’ve decided that Heavenly Father sent them to the orphanages because they are the strongest ones. They can survive without earthly parents and an earthly family. They are in the situations they are in for a purpose. And part of that purpose I think, is to teach me.

It sounds really cliché, but I am changed. I came to Ecuador thinking I was doing a great thing. I was going to improve my Spanish, complete my internship for my Psychology major, and spend 50 hours a week serving the little orphaned children of Quito. I think that part of me was going into this experience a little bit selfishly. But one Sunday at church I was reading Helaman 5 and part of verse 8 stuck out to me… “that ye may not do these things that ye may boast, but that ye may do these things to lay up for yourselves a treasure in Heaven, yea which is eternal, and which fadeth not away.” And now I think I’m leaving a better person; a different person. I now have 14 new sisters and some of the greatest friends I’ve had, another family, and a place I can call my home. I feel like I’ve done my best to teach these precious kids all I can. But I’m confident that they’ve taught me so much more.

I’ve learned that what I want most from life is to be a mom and to raise my children in a happy home. I've learned that God loves all of His children equally. And I’ve learned that when you lose yourself in service you find yourself. But the most important lesson I’ve learned from my time in Ecuador is to love unconditionally. The kids I have spent my last 12 weeks with are free of judgment, quick to love, and always happy. I want to be more like them.

As I think about it now, I’m kind of excited to go home. But I know that once I am home, I’ll miss Ecuador more than I enjoy being back in the States. I’ll miss my home. I’ll miss the atmosphere in the house. I’ll miss staying up way too late playing cards and watching movies, just to wake up way too early for shift the next morning. I’ll miss Betty’s mouthwatering meals and Angelita’s sweet smile. I’ll miss general meetings on Tuesday’s and dinner all together on Sunday’s. I’ll miss drives to and from shift with Pablo, even though I fear for my life every time I get in the van. I’ll miss telling taxi drivers that I live in the red house on the corner. I’ll miss all my babies. I’ll miss bathing and dressing them. I’ll miss doing their hair, brushing their teeth, and comforting them when they cry. I’ll miss morning walks, and pattycake on the patio. I’ll even miss wiping their noses, changing their diapers, and putting their socks and shoes on for the 99th time. I’ll miss the workers. I'll miss helping Sor Alba with her English homework and Patty trying to hook me up with her brother-in-law. I'll miss Favi making fun of my ugly shoes and Neomi telling me, "I want to see you naked chica de OSSO." I’ll even miss 13 hour night shifts and Sandra's obnoxious songs that I swear even the children hate. And I’ll miss all of you. But I think what I'll miss more than anything about life in Ecuador is the feeling I got, the strength of my testimony, and the little miracles I saw every day for three months as I served the Lord and his children. My heart will forever be with the children and people of Quito, Ecuador.

thirteendays...

...until i go home. and i'm pretty excited about it. i'm exciting about clean sheets, and a bed that doesn't turn into a bowl when i lay in it. i'm excited to take a shower without the fear of it being cold after two minutes. i'm excited to sleep in, every once in a while. i'm excited to wear something other than jeans and a sopa/poo/barf stained tshirt. i'm excited to do my hair and wear makeup more often than once a month. i'm excited for american food; for chipotle, panda express, chick-fil-a, panera, wendy's, olive garden, and cheezits. i'm excited for cereal. and for milk that actually tastes like milk. i'm excited to eat lettuce and berries without having to boil them first. i'm excited to drink water straight out of the faucet. i'm excited to flush my toilet paper. i'm excited to use my phone; to text and call to my heart's content. i'm excited to see my family and friends. i'm excited to hug and kiss them instead of talking and writing to them. i'm excited for my car. i'm excited to head out on the road without being afraid for my life. i'm excited for speed limits and stop signs that actually get obeyed. i'm excited to speak to people, knowing they understand every word i say. i'm excited to see dogs on leashes and in backyards, instead of digging through garbage cans on the streets. i'm excited for TV; to be able to watch something mindless and entertaining, if that's what i feel like doing. i'm excited to get back in the real world, and back to real life.

but despite all that, i'll miss my home. i'll miss the atmosphere in the house, and all my new sisters. i'll miss staying up way too late playing skipbo and watching movies, just to wake up way too early for shift the next morning. i'll miss betty's cooking and angelita's sweet smile. i'll miss general meetings on tuesday's and dinner all together on sunday's. i'll miss drives to and from shift with pablo. i'll miss singing at the top of my lungs to mix CD's with the girls. i'll miss telling taxi drivers to turn right after the church and that i live in the red house on the corner. i'll miss kayla's yo-yoing and caitlin's yummy treats. i'll miss angela's hugs and macie's terrible spanish. i'll miss abby's unintentional humor and ariel's obsession with taylor swift. i'll miss emily's handwriting and trina's laugh. i'll miss all my babies. i'll miss bathing and dressing them. i'll miss doing their hair, brushing their teeth, and comforting them when they cry. i'll miss morning walks, and pattycake on the patio. i'll even miss wiping their noses, changing their diapers, and putting their socks and shoes on for the 99th time. i'll miss the workers. i'll miss "hola paigecita linda" and "chao chica guapa." i'll miss helping sor with her english homework and patty trying to hook me up with her brother-in-law. i'll miss mariana making fun of my shoes and neomi telling me, "i want to see you naked chica de osso." i'll even miss 13 hour night shifts and sandra's obnoxious songs that i swear even the children hate. but i think what i'll miss more than anything about life in ecuador is the feelings i got, the strength of my testimony, and the miracles i saw every day for three months as i served the Lord and his children. my heart will forever be with the children and people of quito, ecuador.

a little bit of lately

i haven't blogged in like three days or something. and i don't really have an excuse, except for i've been busy and not in the blogging mood. three of our girls leave friday morning, and we're getting five new volunteers on thursday night. i'm not sure how i feel about it. i don't like saying goodbye. amber leaving was hard enough. and now i have to do it all over again. i'm not a fan of that. it's weird to realize that after we leave, the program still continues. i don't know, it's just weird to think about it. so tomorrow is our banquet. yay for dinner at a fancy hotel, a slideshow, "more holiness give me" by brianne and me, and lots of tears. 

all the fruit and vegetables here i have to be bleached and rinsed, so this morning i had to do the food bleaching with caitlin. wanna see?

so that was enjoyable, besides the fact that my hands still smell like bleach. maybe i'll wash them, again. also i think lately i've been too distracted. so i've decided to say goodbye to facebook, twitter, skype, and the "world" for awhile, and just focus on being here, and the work i'm doing. because it makes me really happy.

have a happy week, all :)

ecuador is

an answer to my prayers. more and more every day i'm realizing that this is where i need to be right now. this is the best decision i've ever made for myself. ecuador is changing me. i'd like to think i'm becoming a better person. i'm learning things about my life and the people in it that i don't think i would've learned otherwise. i'm also learning that i can be happy on my own. i just love this place. i love what it does to me. it's perfect.

sala uno

whenever i'm in sala uno with the babies, i write during my downtime. so this is the result of hours of boredom and loneliness...

im back in sala uno. we got 2 new girls plus a visitor last thursday and last night we had our orientation dinner. we went around and each said things that were to be helpful to the new girls, and then they shared why they were doing this and what they expected to get out of it. by the end of it we were all happy and crying. there were some things i really needed to hear. chantelle the visitor, who had been here 2 years ago said to cherish every moment. every laugh, every kiss, every bath, even every sopa feeding and diaper change. because when i get back to the states i'll miss it all, and kill to come back. amber said be in the moment because the time flies. athena said be detailed and specific when journal writing so you never forget. emily said recognize and understand that every girl in the house is incredible and had something to offer. ariel said to remember that its the strongest ones that Heavenly Father sends to the orphanages. caitlin said to love them all individually, as well as collectively. i'm so glad we all got to share that with everyone. some days are really hard. they really are. some days i get super frustrated and wonder why i'm even here. but then i just remember that this isn't about me, at all. it's all for these kids. they need us. without us, and the dedicated workers that love them so much, they would have no chance. and theres a reason they made it. theres a reason that they're the lucky ones. there's a reason God spared them. every day i'm learning something new. i'm learning about the kids, about the culture, and about myself. every day i'm beginning to love these kids even more. i love the way fabricio smiles when i say his name. i love the way angie laughs when i tickle her, and the way liz rests her head on my chest when i do her nebulizations. i love the way ana maria tells me she loves me back. i love the way emily kisses me when i ask for un besito. i love the way rosa runs to me, clapping her hands, ready to play pattycake. i love the way belen's face lights up when she gets excited about something. i've fallen so in love with these kids and i've only known them for a month. i'm getting to experience their little quirks and tendencies that their moms are not. the gift of life is one that should be handled with all the care in the world. though their birth parents might not have realized it or cared, each of these kids is beautiful and precious in their own right. they were brought here for a reason and with a purpose. i'm looking forward to discovering what those are.

say hello to my day yesterday

sometimes night shift sucks, but sometimes...

...sometimes it's not so bad, at all. last night caitlin and i had night shift together. while we waited for "the change" we talked and played with the babies. we talked about life, and get married, and school, and what we're doing with our lives, and the ecuadorian kids we're falling in love with. we talked about everything. and i liked it. the change (at 9, when we change everybody's diaper, clean or dirty) went pretty smoothly. i love the ones that stay asleep during it (like christian) and are so hard to move cause of all their dead weight. but i also love the older tres kids for not crying and for being helpful when trying to fit hands in onesie holes and such. then i got to enjoy a peaceful 4 hours of pretty sound sleep. when it was my turn to stay awake, the babies were pretty quiet the whole night. i had to sit on the ground by the swing little sam was in and push him the whole four hours, but i didn't even mind. it was worth it for him to stay happy and quiet.

i read my book. night shift lets me get so much reading done and i thoroughly enjoy it because i never have time to read. i also think a lot at night shift. like...a lot. for some reason i was thinking about high school? ew, right? but it started because i was missing my boys. the ones i spent my days and nights with. the ones that went to prom with me when we were sophomores so i could take pictures for yearbook. the ones that laid in my backyard and watched stars with me for literally hours. the ones that gave me advice and listened to me complain while we slaved away at work at hometown pizza (rest in peace, you lovely restaurant which was my place of employment for a whole year that is now unfortunately the new bar and grill, "the tavern"). the ones i'd go watch skate out in the cold. the ones who trusted me with their secrets. and the ones who spent more time with me than with their own girlfriends. would i choose to go back, for even just a day? never. but looking back now, was it great? absolutely. 

some days i just really like my life. some days i like who i am, and i like the way things have turned out. some days i can't help but smile and realize how truly, truly blessed i am. today, last night, i'm just having one of those days.