this week!

it's here, boys and girls. the week my amy is getting maaaaarried! i have tomorrow and wednesday of work, and then thursday afternoon i'm headed out to utah! friday will be a day of who knows what and then saturday is the big day! my girl emily who i went to ecuador is picking me up from the airport (i haven't seen her since march of last year!) and then my friend logan is going to the wedding with me as my date (i haven't seen him since october of 2009 because he's been on his mission). it's going to be a weekend of smiling and pictures and pretty dresses and yummy food and lots of love. basically i am SO happy for my best friend and i'm thrilled she's asked me to be a part of her special day.

dear hadley

we've been through a lot in the last year, you and i.

but if we can make it this far, i think we can make it through anything.

i need you to know that i love you with all my heart.

you're my everything; my sidekick, my biggest fan, and my happy place.

without you, i am nothing.

i'm here for you now and always.

i love you, my forever friend.

so this is what it's like

thank you for showing me what love is

it's about time

for latter-day saints, family home evening is a time set aside each week that brings family members closer together while doing positive, uplifting activities that can also draw them closer to God. here at byu-i, our "families" are groups of 12-18 boys and girls from the same ward. unfortunately, every semester i've been here my fhe group hasn't really clicked and we don't enjoy spending time together outside of our monday night activities. 

i didn't have the highest of hopes for my fhe family this semester either, as there are twice as many girls as there are boys, and the boys we have are all 18, while we're a couple years older. well... i would just like to say that i am in love with them. it's stoooopid that we only have a week and a half left of school and we're just now finding out how great everyone is. but seriously. last night we all cuddled on our couch and watched music videos on the projector for five hours. not even mad about it.

on gratitude

right now i'm cuddled up in a big blanket, with my puppy and a cup of hot chocolate that my brother made me. my hands are warm, my feet are toasty, and i am thankful. i have been so blessed with the best life i could ask for. i have a family who loves me, friends who support me, a boy who cares about me, a job that provides for me, and countless other things and people that make waking up every day worth it.

i'm in lagrange kentucky right now. it's kind of strange. this isn't my home, but my family is here so it feels right. the house my mom bought is beautiful and the town is charming, complete with railroad tracks that run right through main street. the view from every window is picturesque and the trees lining the driveway are something out of a movie. my brother and sister are lucky to finish growing up here.

this is the first thanksgiving i've spent with my family in two years and i'm not ready for it to end in a couple days. however i'm enjoying the little moments while i can; the laughter that accompanies 30 minute rounds of apples to apples with my mom and siblings, the childishness of letting my sister give me a makeover as we sing and dance to britney, katy, and gaga, the wet on my face as my puppy kisses me awake every morning, and the warmth that comes not from the fire burning in the room adjacent me, but from the family that i get to call mine forever. 

this is thanksgiving. this is gratitude.

just... happy

the last couple days have been such a manifestation to me that God lives, that He is aware of me, and that He loves me so, so much. i feel incredibly undeserving of all the blessings that ive been given and for all the love that ive felt recently. im working on being deserving and worthy of those blessings and that love. im getting my priorities straight and figuring out what matters most. im making changes that have been a long time coming. and im feeling more motivated and determined than ever. i can do this.

a little bit of vegas and a little bit of love

i'm in vegas right now and loving every second of it. the air is a perfect 65 degrees and i am unusually content. i'm loving spending time with my grandma, not worrying about the enormous to-do list i have waiting for me at home, and being with my vegas people. our kyle got married yesterday to the lovely jess elmer (which is why i'm down here in the first place) and they looked so happy! she's quite the catch, kyle's lucky...

the reception was beauuuutiful, and so fun, complete with hawaiian haystacks to eat, and lots of singing and dancing. i didn't get a picture with the bride and groom (sad face) but i was just happy to be there for my friend on his big day!

tomorrow i head back to rexburg, where i hear the snow gods did some work. i guess i can't be too mad though because we at least had fall for longer than we usually do! but before that... i get some pin kaow and a night on the strip. yay for vegas.

so over america

i'm friends on facebook with some of the girls who are in ecuador right now so i can see their pictures of my babies. i don't know why though, every time they post new pictures i sit in my room and cry for like half an hour. it's unreal how much i miss them. every day i wish i could go back and stay forever. i belong there.

perfect, right? they're desperate for volunteers this winter. if i had the time and money, i'd be down there in a heartbeat. real talk though...

go apply. you won't regret it for a second!

a question

me: do you love me?
you: immensely.
me: when did you know?
you: when i could feel your warmth and closeness without you being anywhere near me.

exboyfriends

i have four. one i still talk to (and i'm moving in with his parents in two weeks), one i haven't seen/heard from/thought about in a good two or three years, one is married with a baby, and one... i'm still working on getting over. 

e: im strugglin, i know you probably dont care, but i miss you. and i hope youre doing well.

me: tell me whats up

e: i tried to start talking to a girl. well, actually we were together technically. but i just got dumped over facebook. and to be honest… im not over you in the least bit

me: i’ve tried to move on too. but i can’t, because he’s no you

e: screw distance

me: i miss you. you were my best friend. and still sometimes i’ll get excited about something or have big news to share and you’re the first person i want to tell, but i feel like i can’t and i hate that.

e: there’s something that i’ve needed to tell you for awhile now, but i’m not telling you like this. and you already know what it is

me: i’ve wanted to tell you a hundred times

e: i know it’ll make things harder, but it needs to be said regardless.

i hate the thought of moving away and more than likely never seeing him again. but if there's one thing that i've learned, it's that life goes on. and sometimes that means moving on. i'm gonna work on that. but maybe it can wait...

reason #4898901 why i love boy meets world

"Mom, listen, I haven’t been together with Topanga for twenty-two years, but we have been together for sixteen. Okay, that’s a lot longer than most couples have been together. I mean, when we were born, you told me that we used to take walks in our strollers together in the park. When we were two, we were best friends, I mean, I, I knew everything about this girl. I knew her favorite color. I knew her favorite food. Then we became six, you know, and Eric made fun of me because it wasn’t cool to have a best friend that was a girl or even know a girl, so for the next seven years I threw dirt at her. I like to call those “the lost years”. Then when I was thirteen, Mom, she put me up against my locker and she kissed me. I mean, she gave me my first kiss. She taught me how to dance. She was always talking about these crazy things and I never understood a word she said. All I understood was that she was the girl I sat up every night thinking about, and when I’m with her I feel happy to be alive. Like I can do anything. Even talk to you like this. So that’s, that’s what I feel is love, Mom… When I’m better because she’s here… and now she won’t be. So we’re done forever."

it's a great day at the K

this is definitely one of the cutest things on the planet

and it happened in kansas city!

p.s. i heard on the radio this morning that they got married today!

hooray for love, and proposals, and weddings, and stuff

prepare yourselves

first of all...

my laptop is baaaaaaaack!

i have a lot to say. and when i say "a lot," i mean i'd-like-to-catch-you-up-on-everything-that's-happened-since-my-laptop-broke-but-for-now-i'll-just-talk-about-yesterday.

my mother's day started at about 1am when i got home from work. i very quietly, as to not wake up my house, carried in an armful of stuffs including my keys/wallet/sunglasses/phone, flowers, a card, and my drink. i decided to put the flowers i got my mom in water in a vase and set it on the kitchen counter along with her card so it'd be the first thing she saw when she walked downstairs in the morning. well, everyone stayed asleep while i did such. except our pets. my puppy josie walked downstairs and whined at the back door so i let her outside. and then boo (our kitty) crept down with her. after i had cut the stems, put the "flower food" in the water, and the flowers in a vase, i set them on the counter as i had planned. while i was at the table writing in my mom's card, i heard this rustling noise. i got up to see what it was, and boo was eating my mom's flowers! i proceeded to lock the naughty kitty in the room where we keep her food and litter box, hoping to keep her from mischief .

sunday morning i got ready in exactly 50 minutes. including a shower AND blow drying and straightening my hair. that's impressive for me, if you ain't know. 

church was great. i love the sundays that are effortless. the ones where i don't struggle to stay awake and focused. the ones where i don't beg my mom to scratch my back while i doodle on the sacrament meeting program. i enjoyed two of the most wonderful talks on motherhood. also, a baby was blessed. i think baby blessings are pretty neat. officially presenting a newborn child to the congregation, and to heavenly father -- i don't know, i just think it's cool. but for some reason this one was different. i immediately thought of my babies from ecuador. and i started to tear up. i know you're probably so sick and tired of hearing about ecuador, but i seriously still think about it everyday. i wish all my babies got to be blessed and welcomed into a loving family.

i believe i mentioned that i get to teach the ctr 7's now, right? well, i do. and yesterday's lesson was about how being obedient shows heavenly father and jesus our faith. so i was telling ruthy, susie, robbie and joshua about when lehi's family left jerusalem and explaining that they had to leave behind all of their friends and almost all of their possessions. i told the kids to pretend they were lehi's family and asked them what their most prized possessions were. some of them asked what that meant, and i explained that it was their favorite toy, book, game, or movie. susie said her most prized possession was her babydoll. robbie and joshua both said theirs was their legos. when i got to ruthy she responded with "my mom." i told her that it had to be something not living, because their family got to go with them. and she goes, "well i still want to pick my mom if that's okay." it was the cutest thing. and ruthy gave the closing prayer and in it she said "we're thankful for our parents, especially our mothers. and please help us to do whatever we can to make them happy today." ugh, i seriously love her. i want a ruthy. after she finished making her mother's day card she gave me a shoulder rub. and when it was time to go she hugged me and said she liked me. it made my whole day.

we also had the missionaries over for lunch. i looooooooove missionaries. especially the ones serving in our ward. they're so cute. they both go home in a couple months. one's from washington and one is from orem. i plan on loving/dating/marrying the one from orem.

but really, i love my mom. i do. she's the greatest thing in my life. everything i have, am, and hope to be, i owe to her. she's the only person in my life who has been there for me always. sometimes i'm hard to love. and i know that. but she always does. no matter what.

this has to be one of my favorite pictures of the three of us

that's all. i hope everybody had the most fantastic day yesterday celebrating their moms. i'm so happy to be back. hoooray.

my dear daughter

my good friend betsy shared this with me a couple weeks ago when i really needed it. since then i've read it at least every other day. i cry every time. i've had a rough couple days lately. things have been really hard and this is a nice reminder that my heavenly father loves me so much, no matter what.

My Dear Daughter,

I just wanted to remind you today of how beautiful you are, because there is a father of lies who will try to deceive you.  He will try to tell you that you are not good enough, not attractive enough, not thin enough, not strong enough, not smart enough, not righteous enough and that you are simply unimportant to Me. He will try to tell you that you have broken too many promises, that you have fallen too many times, that you have lived one too many lies, and that you've been going in the wrong direction so long that it is pointless to turn back now. 

But guess what? 

You do not belong to him. He is not your father.

I am.

You see, you are My creation. My workmanship. You have been borne of My thought, every part of you placed together by My hands. You have My thumbprint upon you. You are a princess, did you know that? You are My child, a daughter of the Most High God. I look at you and I see a precious, priceless pearl. There is no ocean I would not swim, no mountain I would not climb, no price I would not pay to have you and to be with you and call you My own. I already have. I have done all that I could, given all that there is. I desire to be with you every moment of the day. How I long for you to talk to Me everyday. My love for you never grows cold. My promises are never broken (contrary to what he might lead you to believe). My character never changes. And you, my child, have been made in my image. I love you dearly, unconditionally, and completely. I understand every emotion that you have. I count every tear that you cry. I know every hair on your head. And do you know what?

I even know your weaknesses and your failures and your fears. I know those hidden parts of you that you wish would go away. Those dark corners of your world that you stuff deep down, praying that no one will ever see. I have seen them and they will not change my love for you. Nothing will. I love your heart and I desire all of it.

I just wanted to remind you today of how beautiful you are and how precious you are to Me.

With immeasurable love,

-Your Heavenly Father

the perfect kiss

so you know that tara girl i told you about?

she did some project where she photographed 50 people

in love

and, well, i found the most perfect kiss of all time
that ever existed

that's all really

i'm done being a creep

for now

happy monday

the best worst day of my life

this 24 hours is the hardest, i think. it started last night at our banquet. hearing all of my newest best friends speak about their experiences, growth, and feelings for the children we work with really melted my heart. i may or may not have been weeping like a child throughout most of it. i've learned so much from the girls i'm serving with. each of them has something incredible to offer and is unique and beautiful in their own right. they are my family.

i'm not good with goodbyes. i never really have been. and i know that. but i didn't think that saying goodbye to my babies and the workers at the orphanage would be this hard. i don't want to leave ecuador. i feel like i could do this for another 6 months and be completely content. this is my home now. these are my people. this is where i belong. i feel like everything i've done in my life up to this point has been insignificant and selfish. i like the way i feel when i'm with them. i like the way they love me. and the way they accept me. 

i'm trying to be happy. i'm trying to take with me everything i've learned, experienced, and felt. but it's really hard. my heart has never felt so broken. tonight we're going out to eat and then i'll say goodbye to everybody. ariel and i leave the house at 4:30 tomorrow morning. at least i'll have her. she knows how i feel and won't think i'm a freak if i break down in the miami airport.

here's to the best three months of my life. here's to my babies, my sisters, my ecuadorian friends. here's to changes. here's to the new me. let's go.

want the rundown?

our banquet is tomorrow night

i can't believe it

where did this three months go?

since you don't get to be there,

i'll share with you what i'm going to say

and the song we're going to sing

enjoy 

i lied, the videos not working

i'll try again later

Thinking about what to say tonight was surprisingly hard for me. I feel like times are rare that I don’t have the words to express what I’m thinking or feeling. But this is definitely one of those times. My heart is full, my emotions are mixed, and my mind is crowded with my jumbled thoughts. So what comes out will probably be a combination of raw feeling and an attempt at everything trapped inside my head.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the situations of the kids we work with every day. And what I’ve struggled with the most I think is why. Why them? Why do they get abandoned, and left without parents? How come I have an earthly family who loves and wants me, and they don’t? But then I was talking to Angela a few weeks ago, about when she bore her testimony in Sacrament meeting. And she said that though our babies don’t have earthly parents who are in their lives, they do have Heavenly parents who love them tremendously. And I’m grateful that I’ve been able to assist in showing them that they are truly loved. When I’m with them I can feel the love their Heavenly Father has for them. I can feel their innocence and their potential. They are precious spirits. And I’ve decided that Heavenly Father sent them to the orphanages because they are the strongest ones. They can survive without earthly parents and an earthly family. They are in the situations they are in for a purpose. And part of that purpose I think, is to teach me.

It sounds really cliché, but I am changed. I came to Ecuador thinking I was doing a great thing. I was going to improve my Spanish, complete my internship for my Psychology major, and spend 50 hours a week serving the little orphaned children of Quito. I think that part of me was going into this experience a little bit selfishly. But one Sunday at church I was reading Helaman 5 and part of verse 8 stuck out to me… “that ye may not do these things that ye may boast, but that ye may do these things to lay up for yourselves a treasure in Heaven, yea which is eternal, and which fadeth not away.” And now I think I’m leaving a better person; a different person. I now have 14 new sisters and some of the greatest friends I’ve had, another family, and a place I can call my home. I feel like I’ve done my best to teach these precious kids all I can. But I’m confident that they’ve taught me so much more.

I’ve learned that what I want most from life is to be a mom and to raise my children in a happy home. I've learned that God loves all of His children equally. And I’ve learned that when you lose yourself in service you find yourself. But the most important lesson I’ve learned from my time in Ecuador is to love unconditionally. The kids I have spent my last 12 weeks with are free of judgment, quick to love, and always happy. I want to be more like them.

As I think about it now, I’m kind of excited to go home. But I know that once I am home, I’ll miss Ecuador more than I enjoy being back in the States. I’ll miss my home. I’ll miss the atmosphere in the house. I’ll miss staying up way too late playing cards and watching movies, just to wake up way too early for shift the next morning. I’ll miss Betty’s mouthwatering meals and Angelita’s sweet smile. I’ll miss general meetings on Tuesday’s and dinner all together on Sunday’s. I’ll miss drives to and from shift with Pablo, even though I fear for my life every time I get in the van. I’ll miss telling taxi drivers that I live in the red house on the corner. I’ll miss all my babies. I’ll miss bathing and dressing them. I’ll miss doing their hair, brushing their teeth, and comforting them when they cry. I’ll miss morning walks, and pattycake on the patio. I’ll even miss wiping their noses, changing their diapers, and putting their socks and shoes on for the 99th time. I’ll miss the workers. I'll miss helping Sor Alba with her English homework and Patty trying to hook me up with her brother-in-law. I'll miss Favi making fun of my ugly shoes and Neomi telling me, "I want to see you naked chica de OSSO." I’ll even miss 13 hour night shifts and Sandra's obnoxious songs that I swear even the children hate. And I’ll miss all of you. But I think what I'll miss more than anything about life in Ecuador is the feeling I got, the strength of my testimony, and the little miracles I saw every day for three months as I served the Lord and his children. My heart will forever be with the children and people of Quito, Ecuador.

girls house is a happy place, unless cassie is leaving

today was cassie's last day with the girls
and it was the saddest day

because it was cassie's last

cassie is the site leader

which makes leaving hard

on everyone

but we took them sugar cookies to decorate

and they loved it

also i learned a new word...

"pepitas" means sprinkles

and then because these girls are so stinkin' crafty, they made us all hair braid bead things

i love my gh girls

my foreign valentine's day

today is my first valentine's day not home

i've never been a fan of valentine's day

until this year...

i woke up at 7 and snoozed for an hour

we went to skg and made valentines with the girls

we listened to spanish love songs on the radio the whole car ride

i sent ethan a pizza with pepperonis in the shape of a heart

cause im not creative, or rich

so that was the best i could do

now we're about to go to afternoon shift with the babies

and were giving all the workers flowers

then coming home to talk to/skype with amber

and then were gonna have a love movie marathon

with pizza from i'vonnes

it's gonna be a great day

go kiss or hug somebody

happy love day all!

sala uno

whenever i'm in sala uno with the babies, i write during my downtime. so this is the result of hours of boredom and loneliness...

im back in sala uno. we got 2 new girls plus a visitor last thursday and last night we had our orientation dinner. we went around and each said things that were to be helpful to the new girls, and then they shared why they were doing this and what they expected to get out of it. by the end of it we were all happy and crying. there were some things i really needed to hear. chantelle the visitor, who had been here 2 years ago said to cherish every moment. every laugh, every kiss, every bath, even every sopa feeding and diaper change. because when i get back to the states i'll miss it all, and kill to come back. amber said be in the moment because the time flies. athena said be detailed and specific when journal writing so you never forget. emily said recognize and understand that every girl in the house is incredible and had something to offer. ariel said to remember that its the strongest ones that Heavenly Father sends to the orphanages. caitlin said to love them all individually, as well as collectively. i'm so glad we all got to share that with everyone. some days are really hard. they really are. some days i get super frustrated and wonder why i'm even here. but then i just remember that this isn't about me, at all. it's all for these kids. they need us. without us, and the dedicated workers that love them so much, they would have no chance. and theres a reason they made it. theres a reason that they're the lucky ones. there's a reason God spared them. every day i'm learning something new. i'm learning about the kids, about the culture, and about myself. every day i'm beginning to love these kids even more. i love the way fabricio smiles when i say his name. i love the way angie laughs when i tickle her, and the way liz rests her head on my chest when i do her nebulizations. i love the way ana maria tells me she loves me back. i love the way emily kisses me when i ask for un besito. i love the way rosa runs to me, clapping her hands, ready to play pattycake. i love the way belen's face lights up when she gets excited about something. i've fallen so in love with these kids and i've only known them for a month. i'm getting to experience their little quirks and tendencies that their moms are not. the gift of life is one that should be handled with all the care in the world. though their birth parents might not have realized it or cared, each of these kids is beautiful and precious in their own right. they were brought here for a reason and with a purpose. i'm looking forward to discovering what those are.

say hello to my day yesterday